While on vacation with my family this past week, I received news that a close friend of mine had died. It has been a difficult week, grieving silently on my own as my family (who did not know him) awkwardly avoided the subject, trying to still enjoy themselves without demanding that I pretend nothing was wrong. Now I'm back in Pittsburgh, and instead of unpacking and settling back into routine, I'm getting ready to go to a wake. The last funeral I attended was my grandmother's, almost ten years ago. Even though I have struggled through the depression and grief of losing this person on my own, I find myself scared about facing the friends and family members who have been here grieving with one another all week. I don't know what to do or how to react. A part of me even feels a little happy that I will be seeing my friends so soon, having missed them so much all week, and yet I feel as if this is somehow inappropriate, even selfish.
Needless to say, I'm a confused mess of emotions right now, the underlying one being anxiety in the face of the unknown. I have accepted my friend's passing, but I am afraid of what's been left behind, what will happen in the wake.
I just wanted to let readers know, in case you have been wondering at my silence. I may be quiet for a few more days yet, as I adjust to the situation here at home. Thanks for your patience, and your support and concern.